Perfect Companion to Toxic Parents

Very good. Good to know that you are not the only person to experience this scenario. Perfect to read if you have Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

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Initially resistant but a powerful book

I was initially resistant to this book, a recommendation from my therapist. The title is so loaded and it’s not what I wanted however I did resonate a lot with Dr Sherrie’s story. If you’re dealing with any of these issues or going through this painful process it’s important to hold yourself accountable too. If you’ve been honest without being brutal and clearly asked “What’s wrong and how can we fix the problems between us?” (but keep hitting a brick wall) then this book is a helpful tool in setting and navigating difficult boundaries.

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An interesting perception on toxic parents

From an estranged mother who has acknowledged her flaws and is learning to attempt to put things right and relate to adult children this was interesting to hear from the voices of others. I think it would have been better if there had been some parent’s experiences as well and solutions of how to meet half way and develop healthier parent and adult child relationships.

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Loved every minute!

This book is bang on! she is so brave to speak out, and shows such courage and strength. Highly recommended!!

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3 people found this helpful

I had to stop listening during the first chapter sadly

…the narrative felt toxic. Finger pointing. All the things the narrative associated with toxic people. To label people toxic rather than their behaviour Or characteristics I don’t think is helpful. We are all flawed. Maybe I should listen to more (maybe I’ll go back to it) but it felt pretty unforgiving with no room for empathy …which I know is perhaps what we don’t want to hear, but for me the blame on the other person was too much. Not helpful. And not healing. At least not for me.

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In short - Other books have said it way better but read for the tea (also quite Christian conservative coded)

Very early on I realised that the author was coming from a very particular place - as someone who doesn’t have southern Christian-conservative values I knew that the book was unlikely to be a “love” but putting full faith in the title Dr and being a PK who has heard it all I decided I had already spent my credit and in this economy a book is a book.

In short - the information inside the book is at best useful (if you haven’t read another book on narcissism, family structures, estrangement, trauma or parenting) and at worst old school or overly personal in a way that’s unhelpful but somewhat benign.


Liked about the book :

Citations of other books that may be of interest
Empathy for abused children
Solid narration


Problems with the book in summary

1 - Author voice

1a/2 - Context

3 - Density of information

4 - My petty petty gripes (why with the healing moments? The author’s view of the family stemming from her cultural upbringing)

The rest of the review explores problems 1-3.


1 Author voice

The author is very much in this book and not above it, reading this felt like talking to a friend who has had a LOT of therapy about their family and not in a good way. In the battle that is estrangement I was looking for the a news correspondent and instead got a soldier very much in the trenches still bloody from war.

In the personal anecdotes there is clear lingering emotion - she doesn’t feel distanced from the subject at hand and as a reader that impacts my trust in her advice.

1a/2 Context

This book seems to pull from Narcissistic family dynamics but does not provide this context instead assuming that all estrangement stem from this cause. In its proper context the book may be helpful but as there is no foreword to provide this context readers who have other family dynamics are not forewarned about the disconnect until we’re discussing scapegoats and golden children.

The authors personal experiences and cultural origins are not explicitly stated at the beginning which makes it difficult to understand how she comes to her conclusions. The author has an overly romanticised view of the family which makes her takeaways sometimes too saccharine to be internalised safely. We get snapshots of her experience in the least helpful way - instead of “my mother made “x” comment about my achievement this made me feel “y” she reacted to my emotion with “z” which combined with this sustained pattern of behaviour outlined in this framework lead me to the conclusion that I needed to disengage from the conversation “ we end up getting “my mother said “x” about me which is such a cruel thing to say to your daughter and evidence that she is a cruel person incapable of change” which yeah mostly sounds true but is unhelpful.

3 Density of information

This book has way too many words for what it is there are at least 50 pages that could be cut for a more effective book and the remaining book would still have content issues. I did not learn anything new from this book and none of the information here is unfamiliar or particularly well communicated.

I think the author is too close to the issue to write a helpful book about cutting ties as a result the book reads like a memoir of estrangement and not a guide.

I wish she had written this ten years later I think it might have been more beneficial.

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