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With & For / Dr. Pam King

With & For / Dr. Pam King

By: Dr. Pam King
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 With & For explores the depths of psychological science and spiritual wisdom to offer practical guidance towards spiritual health, wholeness, and a life of thriving. Hosted by developmental psychologist Dr. Pam King. Hygiene & Healthy Living Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Science Social Sciences Spirituality
Episodes
  • Self-Actualization and Living Your Potential, with Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman

    Self-Actualization and Living Your Potential, with Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman
    Jun 23 2025
    How can we grow into our full potential?—living up to what we know is the best version of ourselves, actualizing our goals, and expressing our deepest purpose in a life of impact and love?Grounded in cognitive science and psychology, best-selling author, podcaster, educator and researcher Scott Barry Kaufman believes that we need to redefine our understanding of greatness and excellence to include our whole selves—our emotions, dreams, failures, and gifts—all to live a life that is fully human, fully yourself.In this conversation with Scott Barry Kaufman, we discuss:Education and formation for the whole person, not just our intellect but our bodies, emotions, and spiritualityMaslow’s hierarchy of needs and the journey that leads to self-actualizationThe difference it makes to see the world through growth rather than our deficienciesWhat it means to thrive even in the midst of mental illnessThe horizontal dimensions of transcendenceAnd how to connect and align with your deepest valuesEpisode Highlights“You can be mentally ill and thriving.”“Self-actualization is bringing your whole self to the table—not just one part of you.”“Real transcendence is about becoming one with the world—not being more enlightened than others.”“People are far more likely to demand respect than to give it.”“Only you can walk the path.”Helpful Links and ResourcesVisit scottbarrykaufman.comThe Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry KaufmanChoose Growth Workbook by Kaufman & Feingold*Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization,* by Scott Barry KaufmanScientific American: Spiritual NarcissismThe Lights Triad Personality TestSensitive Men Rising DocumentaryMaslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Reimagined – Big ThinkCorey Mascara Podcast on ValuesShow NotesOrigin Story and Human ComplexityScott shares his journey from being labeled “ungifted” with an auditory disability to becoming a cognitive scientist.A pivotal teacher asked, “What are you still doing here?”—sparking self-belief and ambition.“I was a champion for the quirky kids from the start.”His work has shifted from an early obsession with greatness to a lifelong pursuit of self-actualization.“Greatness is tied up in power and status. Self-actualization is about bringing your whole self.”Reimagining Maslow & The Sailboat MetaphorKaufman replaces the hierarchy of needs with a dynamic sailboat metaphor.The boat represents safety (security, connection, self-esteem); the sail represents growth and transcendence.“Unless we open our sail and become vulnerable to the wind, we can't move toward what matters.”Adds collective dimension: “There are other boats in the sea. Some people forget that.”Contrasts “horizontal transcendence” (connection) with “spiritual narcissism” (superiority).Mental Illness, Creativity, and ThrivingChallenges the binary between wellness and illness: “You can be mentally ill and thriving.”Cites research showing creative strengths in children of those with mental illness.“They get the goodies without the baddies—the imagination without the psychosis.”Dismantles false dichotomies in psychiatry: labels vs. lived experience.Encourages integration rather than repression of neurodivergence and emotion.Alignment, Identity, and Individual GrowthAlignment—not perfection—is the goal of self-actualization.“Self-actualization coaching isn’t about judgment. It’s about helping people align with their values.”Different people prioritize different values: connection, power, freedom, meaning.Encourages reflection: What roles do you cherish most? What do you say yes and no to?“Ask: What’s my reason for being? What legacy do I want to leave?”Moral Psychology and MatteringDiscusses mattering and the perils of performative self-importance.“Some people matter too much… they take up so much space, there’s no room for others.”Proposes a “mattering ecology” for shared dignity and contribution.On moral flexibility: “People who scream loudest often don’t like themselves.”Calls for emotional regulation, reflection, and collective moral grounding in a polarized world.Relationships, Whole Love, and SpiritualityIntroduces the concept of “whole love”—where all parts of the self are seen, accepted, and growing together.“It's as simple and as hard as that.”Critiques spiritual narcissism and “dark empaths” who use others for ego validation.Real empathy requires asking: “Am I helping this person for their sake—or because I need to be needed?”“Good character doesn’t need an excuse.”Practical Takeaways & Coaching ToolsDirects listeners to Choose Growth, a practical workbook co-authored with Dr. Jordan Feingold.Reflection prompts: What am I proud of? What do I wish to change? What’s my legacy?Encourages clarity around values and meaningful roles.Offers self-coaching questions to foster personal development and alignment.Provides listeners with tools for discernment, ...
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    45 mins
  • The Gift of Mutual Relationships, with Dr. Jessica ChenFeng

    The Gift of Mutual Relationships, with Dr. Jessica ChenFeng
    Jun 9 2025
    Meaningful relationships are mutual. Balanced with give and take, equal influence between partners, and a vibrant dance of loving responsiveness and caring attention.Marriage and Family Therapist and professor Dr. Jessica ChenFeng is calling us toward a more justice-oriented approach to relationships and to mental health and well-being, She invites us to open-hearted and empathic perspective taking, and seeking an integrated wholeness that incorporates all of who we are—highlighting the gift of mutuality in our most intimate relationships in marriage and family life.In this conversation with Jessica ChenFeng, we discuss:The importance of integrated and whole experience of ourselves—allowing racial, gender, and cultural identities to weave together in our sense of vocation and contribution to the worldThe importance of mutuality in relationships—but particularly in marriage and family systems.The ways emotional power flows in a relationship and impacts marriage and family dynamicsThe difference between partners focusing on meeting their individual needs and caring for the health of an intimate relationshipAnd she offers a guided practical exercise to help us lovingly notice and accept our inner experience with a heart open to justice, vulnerability, and the reminder that we are beloved in the eyes of God.Episode Highlights"Systems of power harm everyone—and to live life to the full, we have to see each other fully.""I believe our move toward life to the full requires us to see the world through a third-order lens: not just family systems, but the racial, gender, and societal systems they exist within.""Mutuality means not just expressing our needs but being willing to be changed by the needs of others.""If we're not attuned to the pleasant sensations in our bodies, we miss the invitations to thrive.""Cultural norms are not God-given realities; they are social constructs we are invited to discern and transform.""Knowledge without authentic relationship keeps us from truly seeing the embodied experiences of others."Helpful Links and ResourcesCheck out the programs in Marriage & Family Therapy at Fuller School of Psychology www.fuller.edu/school-of-psychology/Fuller Asian American Center aac.fuller.edu/Socio-Emotional Relationship Therapy (SERT) OverviewCircle of Care Model ExplainedPositive Psychology and EmotionsJeanne Tsai's Research on Culture and EmotionAsian American Values Scale ReferenceRace and Trauma ResourcesJeanne Tsai’s research on culture and emotion – Stanford SPARQJohn and Julie Gottman Relationship ResearchAsian American Values Scale – Paniagua & Yamada (Academic resource)Show NotesJessica ChenFeng shares her "yes and" identity as a second-generation Taiwanese American grounded in both math and creativity.How earthy aesthetics and connection to nature shape Jessica's professional and personal flourishing.The integration of Christian faith with clinical work at Fuller Seminary."Seeing systems of systems" — why thriving requires understanding how race, gender, and cultural forces shape individuals and families.Introduction to socio-emotional relationship therapy (SERT) and the value of mutuality in relationships.Defining mutuality: mutual attunement, mutual influence, mutual vulnerability, and mutual relational responsibility."Mutuality asks: Are both people tending to the relationship itself?"Practical signs of mutual and non-mutual relationships, including emotional attunement and willingness to be influenced.The importance of humility and relational awareness in building mutual relationships.The Circle of Care model: cultivating healthy relational dynamics through attunement and responsiveness.Discerning relational power dynamics in marriages, friendships, and work relationships."Thriving is an open heart, even on a stressful day."How emotional self-control in Asian American cultures is often rooted in relational ethics, not personal repression.The risk and gift of navigating cross-generational emotional communication in immigrant families.Differentiated selfhood: balancing authenticity with cultural respect in relational dynamics.Race, culture, and relational healing: why systems of privilege harm everyone."Love your neighbor as yourself" as an ethic for mutual flourishing across racial and cultural difference.Building trust by leaning into discomfort and courageous conversations.The need for embodied encounters with real people beyond theories of race and difference.Mindfulness practice: Jessica leads a guided exercise in attuning to pleasant sensations in the body.The transformational power of positive emotions and embodiment for creativity and resilience.The relational impact of systemic racialization and why "colorblindness" fails to honor real lived experience.Final reflections: How knowing who we are through systemic and relational lenses allows deeper thriving.Pam King’s Key TakeawaysEach of us in the human family is a beloved child of God—and we need to ...
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    1 hr and 8 mins
  • How to Restore a Relationship, with Dr. Terry Hargrave

    How to Restore a Relationship, with Dr. Terry Hargrave
    May 26 2025
    Romantic relationships are sacred, powerful, and life-giving. But I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is to love and let yourself be loved.Marriage and family therapist Dr. Terry Hargrave has been helping couples in crisis restore broken relationships for decades, teaching them how to get unstuck, improve communication, and move beyond destructive coping mechanisms—to find reciprocity, self-affirming confidence, emotional regulation, and a joyful, lasting love.In a world marked by loneliness, disconnection, and emotional dysregulation, Hargrave offers powerful insights on the human need for identity, safety, and belonging—and how we can heal the wounds that keep us stuck. Drawing on decades of therapeutic experience and deep personal reflection, Hargrave explains how coping mechanisms like blame, shame, control, and escape can damage relationships—and how the peace cycle of nurture, self-valuing, balanced give-and-take, and connection can restore wholeness. He discusses his unique approach to the healing and restorative power of relationships, which lifts us up to our potential, encouraging us toward a nurturing, self-valuing, non-controlling reciprocity, and true connection.In this conversation with Terry Hargrave, we discuss:How to turn around a relationship in crisis and get off the emotional rollercoasterHow to build security and trust in order to improve or repair a marriage or long-term relationshipCoping mechanisms of blame, shame, control, and escapePractical steps to learn emotional self-regulationWhat to do when only one partner is working on a relationshipThe role of the brain and neuroplasticity in relational repairAnd the spiritual underpinnings of Terry’s approach to restoration therapyEpisode Highlights"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing—until you claim your belovedness for yourself, nothing will change.""Relationships are a mirror—we discover who we are through how others see us.""Blame, shame, control, and escape—nothing good comes from these coping mechanisms.""Understanding doesn’t produce change. Doing produces change.""When we nurture, self-value, connect, and cooperate, unleashed joy happens.""Thriving is doing more of your best self, not learning something new."Helpful Links and ResourcesRestoration Therapy Training ResourcesThe Mindful Marriage by Ron Deal and Nan Deal (with Terry and Sharon Hargrave)Five Days to a New Self by Terry HargraveEmotionally Focused Therapy and Sue Johnson's LegacyShow NotesIntroduction to Terry Hargrave and the importance of Restoration Therapy today"We are still the same humans, but with a bigger pipe of problems and fewer emotional connections."Emotional dysregulation linked to identity and safety threatsRelationships as a mirror to the self and necessary for human thriving"For there to be a me, there has to be a thou."Why relationships are difficult: imperfection, wounding, and unmet needsHow family of origin wounds influence coping styles"Families don't mean to screw each other up, but somehow they manage to."Introduction of the four major unhealthy coping mechanisms: blame, shame, control, and escapeHow overachievement, perfectionism, and withdrawal are survival strategies from early wounding"Your greatest strength might actually be an old coping habit getting in the way of intimacy."The relational signs that coping mechanisms are damaging relationshipsHealing through self-regulation: speaking truth to yourself with love"Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself of who you really are."The difference between co-regulation and self-regulation in emotional healingRestoration Therapy’s peace cycle: nurture, self-value, balance, connection"Nothing good comes from blame, shame, control, or escape."The role of practice and neuroplasticity in forming new relational habits"Doing, not just understanding, is what rewires the brain."How thriving relationships move from neediness to adventurous partnershipIntimacy as knowing yourself more fully through connection, not just need satisfactionCooperative growth and mutual flourishing as hallmarks of thrivingApplication of restoration principles to broader societal healing and reconciliation"Unleashed joy happens when we choose nurture and connection, even with adversaries."The critical role of faith in affirming belovedness and ultimate identity"Everyone else and even God can tell you you're beloved—but you have to claim it for yourself."Practical advice for knowing when to seek therapyWhere to find Restoration Therapy-trained therapistsResources for learning more: Mindful Marriage and other Restoration Therapy booksThe key takeaways that I will carry with me from this conversation are the following:You can change. Your relationship can change. But it takes a daily practice of hard work to create lasting change.And though you might fail, there is hope that you can begin again.Our coping mechanisms are not superpowers. They hurt us and the people we ...
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    1 hr and 8 mins
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